The Juggling Act

I have a 20 month old and a 1 month old. This is crazy. Crazy to me and crazy in general. It's quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm not known for my patience and I like things to go smoothly and perfectly. My world has been turned upside down. Not by my newborn. Not entirely by my toddler. But by the combination of the two.

I'm changing Collin's diaper while trying to keep Evan out of trouble. I'm making dinner while Evan is pulling on my clothes and Collin is fussing in his bouncy chair. I'm at the grocery store with my list in hand, trying to keep the toddler occupied long enough to complete the list and crossing my fingers that the baby stays asleep and doesn't wake up starving. I'm trying to get myself ready for the day while the baby starts crying to be fed and Evan is whining for breakfast. I'm trying to get us out the door to take Evan to school and Evan needs a diaper change then the baby needs one too and while I'm changing the baby, Evan goes again....some days I can't believe this is my life. Most days I can deal with this. But then there are those tough days when I open my eyes in the morning and feel exhausted just thinking about all the juggling I'll be doing that day.

Yes, this was my decision to have kids close together. I want them to be close, to have things in common, to be friends. I knew it was going to be tough. Daily I have to remind myself that this is just a stage....a season in life that will pass. It won't always be this hard. There will be a time when Evan can follow directions. There will be a time when I won't have 2 in diapers. I have to remind myself of this to keep my sanity and keep going.

I go to bed feeling really tired and feeling awful about how my house looks like I did nothing or how I didn't get to work out...again. I have to tell myself that it doesn't matter right now. It's not the time to worry about that stuff. All that matters is surviving these years with babies and toddlers in the best way we can and to create memories to hold on to. I have to remember that I'll think back to when my babies were babies and I want to remember me being with them, playing, paying attention, reading, singing, dancing...not cleaning and fussing over a basket of laundry while they play alone.

So, I have to juggle. I have to precisely plan our routine to make it work. For today, it works. I have to practice this juggling act everyday. Some days, I'm not so good at it and others....well, it's bumpy but I keep at it.

I'll have to re-read this when I have to toss a 40 hour work week into the juggling mix. Wish me luck.

Lessons from a bad haircut

I got a terrible haircut. It was supposed to be a trim. Just a trim. I look like I've been through a blender. I don't do short layers. There are a ton of short layers now. Ick. I've had LOTS of awful haircuts in my day so I'm an expert on how to deal with them!

Some things you can do to deal with your messed up mane:

1. Pin it. Use bobby pins to pin up the icky parts so only the bottom (longest layer) shows. Then it looks like you have longer hair all over, even when you don't. This is my number one plan of attack. I'm actually doing it right now. I pinned the top layers back and let the longest layers down so it looks like I didn't even get a haircut!

2. Use a flat iron to flip it out. Take the messy hair route and use some pomade to make it look messy. Then you take the focus off how short it is or how badly cut the layers are. People just notice your new messy look which is always in.

3. Wear a big and pretty necklace or a big colorful scarf. Takes the focus off your head.

4. Pretty headbands. Sparkles, wide or with a little embellishment, these will push the short layers back and away from your face, again, hiding the icky parts.

5. Blow dry it flat. Don't try to get volume on top right now, it'll just make the top layers look even shorter.

6. Take care of your hair. Eat healthy foods and drink a lot of water. Oh and brush it really well each night because scalp stimulation aids in hair growth.

7. Fedora. Snag a cool fedora for the weekends, you'll look stylish and hide the mess underneath.

8. Visit with a different stylist for a consultation and see if there's any hope in morphing your 'do into something you CAN do. Explain your ultimate goal (to grow it out etc), you don't want to take off much more but maybe there are adjustments that can be made to make it easier to handle. Better yet, scour the internet or hair magazines and bring the pics to consultation. Look for 'dos that are similar in length.

Good luck. Remember that hair grows. It won't be this way forever! Yes, I'm reminding myself to keep from crying.

2012 Lockdown

I like that feeling of a fresh start. Clean slate. Another chance. It's like stepping out of the shower all nice and clean. The new year has that power of bringing on motivation, new potential and inspiration.

I wrote about my 2012 plans. I'm really excited to start on them. We used December to spoil ourselves, and over indulge. It's time to get back on track. Get in control. So we are going on lockdown. I mean it. Everything. Money, eating, tv time etc. It's time to turn our focus to living simply and humbly. To slowing down and soaking in these special times with our growing family.

It feels good to be in control, have self control and set goals and reach them. From setting a budget and sticking to it and working on other financial goals to eating healthier, exercising and building family memories, 2012 is sure to be a great year.

Spoiling yourself is nice sometimes but the happy feelings are fleeting. Putting in hard work, making good decisions and seeing the results of your sacrifices is much more rewarding. I'm totally ready to bring in the new year. What are you doing to make 2012 better than 2011? Any resolutions?

Life Lesson

I recently had a close family member tell me that this blog is stupid and that I sound stupid in my posts. It stung at first, but I had to remind myself that I don't write this blog for her, I write it for myself. I write to have a creative outlet as well as to have a way to record memories and notes for myself and my family. I also have family half way across the country, so this blog is a fun way to keep them up to date on our lives. Lastly, I have hopes that I can help someone the way that other blogs help me both in information and entertainment.

Over the years this family member has tried to cut my confidence and tear me down. I've allowed this to happen, until now. 2012 is the year I say "No." No to negativity, no to mean people and no to mean words. This life lesson is so important because without it, you let people control you. They control your actions and feelings. I say, "No more."

I share this because I'm sure there are people out there that are concerned about the opinions of others. Don't let the naysayers, no matter how close they are to you, keep you from doing what you love. Move passed them and walk on your own path. I think this can be said about most areas in life like career choices, parenting choices and even partner choice. If I continued to let my choices be dictated by the opinions of others, I would be forever unhappy and frozen in confusion.

So I welcome 2012 with fresh eyes and ears that are blind and deaf to mean people and mean words. This is the year I stand up for me!

the quiet

Sometimes it's good to stop and enjoy the quiet and peacefullness of a moment. This morning I went into Evan's room to wake him up so we could get ready for school and start the day. He was sleeping so peacefully and looked so sweet, I just couldn't bring myself to wake him just yet. I sat in the glider and rocked and watched him. Listened to his breathing. I was going to be late to work. I chose to soak up the quiet and the peace even at the expense of being a little late to work. Life will go on.

I like to do that sometimes. I like to take a piece of moments like that and carry it with me throughout my hectic day. It's important to just enjoy things in the stillness of a moment. Life is often a hustle and bustle of one task after another. I like to hang on to the quiet. To hang on to the image of my sweet, resting boy.

It's Here!

I love office supplies/school supplies/organizational type supplies. I like to stroll down the office isle at Target just to feel the organization potential and abilities. It calms me, really.

I did something I don't normally do. I splurged on myself. For an organizer. And. I'm in love.

I ordered it last Wednesday and it arrived today! It came from Tiny Prints, my favorite place for custom cards, announcements and now....planners! We ordered Evan's 1st birthday invitations and they were beautiful.

Let me tell you, it's chock full of cool stuff. Weekly planning, month views, places to jot down goals and to-do's, a little folder to store stuff and a cool plastic pouch to store coupons and such. A place for important phone numbers and notes and even special occasions so I can stop forgetting people's birthdays. In my version I got to customize the front of it with pictures and our family names. There are also little stickers and such to make it fun and make it my own. It's also just the right size to fit in my bag. When the new baby arrives I can see myself using it to track those important diaper changes and feedings. I'm so excited.

The minute I opened it I started jotting things down in it. I will be doing this annually from now on. Totally worth it. Getting to customize it with pictures is super cool and fun and means I'll use it because it's fun to use it.

I'll use it for:

• Meal planning/shopping lists
• Goals/To-do's
• Special occasion tracking
• Evan's school events and breaks
• Bill reminders
• Appointments
• Coupon holding
• Baby tracking
• Blog ideas/notes
• Important phone numbers

I know these days people really like to use their smart phones for scheduling and contacts but I am a pencil and paper old school kind of girl at heart. I still thinks it's cool to have the actual book in your hand even though the novelty of a Kindle is neat. I like seeing my handwriting for my shopping lists and sometimes it just feels easier to write it then to open the app and type it out. If I had the time I'd still write in a journal. I guess I just like the personalization of it. 

That's why this little bundle of awesomeness is right for me. I'm a nerd. I'm okay with that. 

Home Alone with a Newborn: Help!

A friend just had a baby. It got me thinking about my days with a newborn. So, I came up with some notes for reference. This will help me when I go through this again in a few months! Here we go..

You are probably one of those naturals. Everything comes so easy to you and you know just what to do even though this is your first baby. Lucky you.

I wasn't quite so lucky. Not that I was scared out of my mind to be alone with my newborn but....nervous...is a better word for it. What am I supposed to do? I know I have to feed and change him. But...what else do I do with this little bundle?

Of course, my knowledge came from my mom and my experience of trying things out and figuring out what works best for us. John spent 2 weeks at home with us and I was spoiled to always have someone there to help me if I had trouble soothing baby or getting baby to sleep etc. Then...he went back to work and I had about 9 weeks of home alone days with Evan. It was tough at first, getting use to that.

I had trouble picturing what our days would be like. I'm a planner, I like to know what to expect. With a newborn, that's tricky. Yet, after experimenting with different routines, schedules and activities, we found one that kept us all happy.

So, here are my tips and pointers to all the new mommies out there:

1. Make a point to get out of the house each day. Whether it's a quick dash to the grocery store or an afternoon strolling the mall, you need time away from home. I think it's important to change your environment so you don't get cabin fever and also to give baby a new experience. When Evan was a newborn it was summer time and I had to plan around the awful heat that we experience in the southwest (well over 100 degrees). I would often go out early in the morning to avoid the extreme temps.
2. Play music in the background. I had the radio (on a mellow station) playing softly for a couple of hours a day. I like silence but days and days of it can take its toll on me. It also helped Evan be able to sleep with noise (I didn't want to have to tip-toe around him while he slept). AND most importantly, it presents the opportunity to dance with your little one, ah a priceless memory.
3. Take a walk outdoors. Gives you both some fresh air, change of environment and introduces new things to baby (new noises, the feeling of wind and sun on their skin etc). Evan and I would stroll down our street (just a quick 10 minute walk) and I would narrate what we saw and heard.
4. Sing! I have always sung to Evan but when people were at home with us I would be a little more reserved about it. When no one else is there, it's easier to sing and not be embarrassed if you don't know all the words or your tune is off or make up your own! As baby gets older you can get crazy and make faces and dance for him. I do this even now, and I get a ton of smiles and laughter.
5.  Do some chores or answer emails....I carried Evan in the moby often. This allowed us to be close but I could still do the dishes, laundry, vacuum or catch up on blog reading. Carrying him helped me because I would feel terribly guilty if he was just sitting in his bouncy chair staring at me while I did chores. It kept our bond strong yet gave me some hands-free time. Plus, he got use to the motion and sounds of household activities.
6. Tummy time. Of course! Lay baby on a soft blanket on the floor to help him workout his neck muscles. Lay a few toys near by for added excitement. To add to the sensory workout, let him feel different textures: a towel, a knitted blanket, a plush toy, a feather on his palm. Of course this is only for a couple of minutes a day as a nb, you don't want to overload them, they'll just shutdown and be cranky. At 2-3 months I let him lay under a baby gym with dangling toys, he really liked that.
7. Sleep!! You might be experiencing many wakeups at night, so when baby sleeps you should too! I'm serious, do it.

And just remember....enjoy it. Be in the moment. This phase will pass.

The Park

Evan loves the park. He loves to run through the soccor field and swing.

We try to visit the neighborhood park every night after dinner. If I ask Evan if he wants to go outside he drops whatever he's doing and races to the door. I love this picture of Dad and Evan swinging. I live for this.

How I Define Success

Success. Being successful.

It means something different to everyone. One person might say she is successful because of the job title she obtained or the salary she earns or how much she has in savings. Another might say he's successful because of the size or location of his home or the kind of car he drives. Another might say she's successful because of the type and quantity of clothes in her closet or the vacations she takes.

I may or may not have had similiar definitions of success. Now, as a mama, my idea of success has completely changed. My original idea was blown to smithereens.

I feel successful at the end of the day if any one of these occur:

• my kid takes a good nap
• my kid smiled and laughed today
• I rememberd to bring Evan's favorite blanket to daycare
• I have dinner ready by 6:30
• I get to go to bed by 11:30
• I get to read a page or two in a book
• we get to take a walk
• my head is still attached to my body
• I have clean (albeit wrinkly) clothes to wear to work
• I got to work on time
• I have a moment to pet the dogs
• we all still love each other
• melt downs were kept to a minimum
• there's enough gas in the car to get me to the gas station
• I didn't dehydrate
• I remember to pay the bills
• Saving 50 cents with a coupon

Does this sound familiar?

As moms, we take these mini succcesses each day and let them keep us motivated and help us feel achieved even when our to-do lists are overflowing. They help us to keep smiling even if we're exhausted.

Having Evan taught me that time with family, your baby's smile, a hug....these things are so much more important than money and status. I wouldn't trade memories and experiences like these for the most expensive home or highend clothing or endless spa days. Nothing can compare.

Funny how things change.

P.S. I am usually successful, even on my worst days because I can get Evan to smile and laugh.

How do you define success?

making the most of days off

Days off from work are a treasured time for me. Extra time with my son, extra time to get something done. I think about them for weeks, plan, day dream and prepare to-do lists for the special day. Even before I had my son I would have high expectations and then be disappointed at the end of the day because I did not accomplish all that I wanted to. I still have unreasonable expectations for days off. I've just recently learned the secret to making the most of my days off. Planning is helpful, to-do lists are helpful, but the real secret is:

lower your expectations

Then, at the end of the day you will either be happy that you accomplished your goals or be really really happy that you exceeded your goals. Setting one or two goals that you are more likely to reach will leave you feeling refreshed and successful. Focusing on a limited number of tasks helps me start and finish them rather than starting a bunch and finishing few.

Earlier this year, when this concept had not yet crossed my mind, I would draft a long to-do list that included things that needed to be done, would be nice if they got done and some leisurely activities. Everything from baby time to errands, chores, organizational projects, home improvement projects, cooking, exercising....clearly unreasonable....all with a baby on my hip. Surely I could tackle these in 8 hours! At the end of the day when one or even none of my goals were met, I would feel like I squandered my time. I would feel exhausted because I had been running around doing bits and pieces of tasks but had nothing to show for it.

One day I told myself I'm going to get this one thing done. That's it. When I completed the task AND played with my son without the nagging to-do list haunting me, I felt....great. refreshed. like I had a nice balance of productivity mixed with quality mommy-son time.

I make the most of my days off by having low to medium expectations and finding a comfortable balance of to-do's, relaxation and family time. Days off don't have to be about getting ahead or wearing yourself out. Here are some ideas on finding that balance:

1. Set one or two attainable goals. Write them down in a visible place.
2. Break up the day. Maybe in the morning you work really hard on your task, then, in the afternoon you relax.
3. Force yourself to stop after the tasks have been completed. You'll be glad you did.
4. Stretch the balance between days off. Have one day off be all work and the next day off be all play. 
5. Resist the urge to get ahead. 

How do you make the most of your days off?

a day in my shoes

I thought it would be fun to share how a typical weekday goes down for us:

5:00 Wake up and get ready for work (I may or may not be a 3x snooze button hitter)

5:45 Get Evan's bag ready for the sitter's, eat a quick breakfast

6:00 Make Evan's bottle, gather my lunch

6:05 Get Evan up if he isn't already (he wakes up anywhere between 5:45 and 6:15), change diaper and clothes, feed him his bottle

6:20 If time allows and if he's interested, let E munch on some cheerios, bananas or other breakfast food

6:30 Load up the car and get on the road

7:00 Drop E off and start missing him :(

7:12 Arrive at work and start my day of staring at E's picture on my desk and wishing I were with him

11:00 I might run an errand during lunch or read a blog

3:36 Leave work and pick up my boy!

4:00 Run an errand

5:00 Arrive home, handle dogs, unload car, feed E a snack and play, throw in a load of laundry

5:20  If time allows, take Evan out for a walk around the neighborhood

5:45 Attempt to start dinner or just warm up baby boy's food (he's usually pretty fussy at this time so it makes making dinner a difficult task at times)

6:00 Play!

6:45 Bath, book, bottle

7:45 Bed time for baby

7:30 to 10:30 Depending on the day, goals for the week, and predetermined schedule, I use this time to get stuff done. It could include cleaning up, laundry, making Evan's food, exercising, date night, bill paying, blogging, reading or going to bed early

10:30 Shower, get clothes ready for the next day

11:00 Bed time

Phew! Each weekday is non-stop and action packed. By the end I crash into bed and immediately fall asleep. Since I'm an accountant, I like to see the numbers. Seeing how much of my day is spent doing certain things helps bring it into perspective. I threw together this little pie chart to show, generally, how I spend my day. Ideally I'd like the "Baby" piece of the pie to much larger than it is....I'm working on it.

As Evan gets older, our routines change and adjust depending on what stage we're in. Just when we get settled into a routine, E throws us a curve ball to keep us on our toes. We use our weekends and holidays to catch up around the house and soak up all the time we can with Evan. We make it work.

Is your schedule jam packed, too? Which piece of your pie would you want to be larger?

i'm a hothead

It's true.

I have a short fuse, at times, not all the time, but it's still there. Maybe I've had a bad day, too many people have tail-gated me, work was overwhelming, someone is not respecting my wishes, I haven't eaten in hours or aunt flow is planning her visit. Sometimes over the course of a few weeks little agitating situations arise and add up and then one day there is a little agitating situation that sends me over the edge. Then...I explode.

Since Evan came along, when my temper gets the best of me, I get quiet and deliberately don't say anything. I am not always successful but I am working toward being consistent. If I say something, I will say mean, sarcastic and hurtful things. I know myself. The point is that I am trying to work toward a healthier response to annoyances. I need to set an example. I recognize that my original responses are not the way I want Evan to behave. I need to work toward not slamming things when I am upset. To breathe and cool off. To walk away and gather my thoughts or change my focus and return to the issue with a clear head.

Life gets tough. It's helpful to step back and ask yourself whether it's worth getting upset about. And if it is....discuss it in a healthy and productive manner.

Tonight was tough. I came home from work in a fowl mood because I had been turned down again after requesting some flexibility in my schedule. John did one little thing to make me feel like my world was crashing in on me. One little thing added on top of all the other unhappy things in my day made me explode. Yet, I decided not to talk, I decided to do the dishes and run an errand. When I came back, I had cooled down and was able to state my feelings in a clear, respectful way.

Motherhood is wonderful and exciting and fun but it can also be stressful and demanding. Practicing these techniques will help me in the long run. Help me to keep my cool longer and be a better mama and role model.

How do you handle bad days or situations that send you over the edge? What works? What doesn't?

Contentment

I am tired of wanting, wishing, coveting... It is tiring to constantly be wanting, whether it be materials, experiences or changes in life etc. When I want something and get it, I am only satisfied for a bit and then go on to want something else. It's this never ending cycle of wanting and satisfying. When I focus on being content with my life and what I have, I feel....better. Like I can breathe more freely. Like I can really be in the moment rather than thinking about things that I wish were different or how much easier life would be if I had this or that...

I know this change will help me to feel happier, less stressed and become more present. I want to sink into myself, my life and my role in my family and the world. It's funny because even the idea of wanting to become more content, wanting to focus on accepting things as they are is a "want" in itself. I guess you can never really escape that. Maybe in reality we can never truly get away from wanting. I just want to reduce my wanting to stuff that really matters. Like, it doesn't matter if I never get the pair of shoes that I want but it does matter that I want to spend more time with my family. Maybe it's the quality and frequency of the want that matters. I have allowed my constant wanting to consume me and my thoughts to the point where I am upset and tense. Wanting to reduce my family's expenses is a good thing but focusing on it continuously leaves my mind tired and keeps me from giving my family 100% of my attention. The quality of the want is decent but the frequency is overwhelming and distracting.

Being content with myself and my life, even for a few moments a day, brings me this inner peace and stillness that leaves me feeling good and even relaxed. Even during a rough day at the office, when I'm behind on a project, if I stop for a moment to breathe and accept that this is the way the day is going, I can move through the rest of the day a little more smoothly and in a more calm way. It's like a quick "Calgon, take me away" moment, no water needed. I think reducing my wanting frequency will help me feel less stressed and help me be a better mama and wife. Now, this doesn't mean I won't be thinking of ways to be more efficient or things to change to spend more time with the fam, it just means I won't let it turn me into the wanting monster.

So, I am switching gears: I am content with myself and my life.

Plans/Goals

1. I want to rename this blog. Yes, I will definitely be doing lots of talking about baby boy but I also want this to be a place I can come to discuss lots of things like cooking/baking, daily happenings that might be unrelated to baby, projects and just life in general. I am SURE Mr. Cutie will still be the main focus though. I need this to be almost a journal of sorts.

2. In 2 years from right now, I want to be a full time mama. 2 years is WAY to long but I think it's the right amount of time to be able to plan and save and get things in order. I refuse to miss any more of my child's life. I have been thinking about this constantly. It is consuming me. Like I have said before, I do not want to look back and regret this time. My kid will only be little once and I will sacrifice what ever I need to in order to have this experience. I want to be a part of his memory as a young child. Yes, obviously I need to provide food and shelter for my dude and I will through careful planning. I asked my employer for a part time option. Anything. To leave and hour earlier. To have every other Friday off. Something that would allow me more time with baby. The answer was no. I enjoy my job but I won't choose it over my kid, my family. The ideal situation is to work part time maybe 30 hours a week but now that that is not an option....I might as well jump all in to my roll as a mama. Maybe it's selfish. Maybe it's a drastic move. But it's the only thing EVER that I have been sure about (besides marrying my husband!) I am a goal oriented person. I work better and more efficiently when I have a clear purpose. Hopefully setting this time frame will make being at work right now a little easier and motivate me to SAVE EVERY PENNY.

3. Get organized. I want to turn this house upside down and dump out all the crap. I am on a mission. My memory has gone out the window and the notes I write on stickies disappear and I can't find ANYTHING. It's time to dump the crap and get organized. To begin, I have started making a home management binder. I read about this concept on Life as Mom and my Dad told me about it months ago and I think it's so simple and brilliant.

So, here's to finding a new name for the blog, working towards my goal to be a full time mama and to getting organized. Wish me luck.