Collin- 2 months old

Dear Collin,

You are 2 months old. It's incredible how much you've grown in such a short time. You went from wanting to sleep and snuggle all the time to being interested in your surroundings and being awake more often. You are so much fun!

You love to be held and perched on our shoulders or held facing away from us so that you can see what's going on. We walk around the house and outside and you observe the goings on. You've also taken an interest in the hanging toys on your bouncy chair. It's fun to watch you start to bat at them.

Another huge development: you smile! It's totally adorable and heart warming.

You've been working really hard on your muscles this month. Your head control is good an steady now. You can also raise yourself up on your elbows when you are on your tummy.

You are so much fun and it's neat to watch you change and develop your skills each day. The doctor says you are super strong and she is impressed. You are just under 12 pounds now and 23.5 inches (the 73rd percentile!) so you are growing fast!

You are an awesome dude!

Love,

Mama

i am...

sitting on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy after a relaxing shower. It's quiet. The kiddos are sleeping...this is rare. Last night Collin cried for 3 hours before falling asleep for the night. The dishes are done, my clothes are set out for tomorrow. This is rare.

Monday's are my most productive days. I wake up feeling refreshed, motivated, eager to get a jump on the tasks on my to-do list. Today I did just that. I pinned a cleaning schedule, followed it, pinned an article about habits to form for stressed moms, followed it. I worked out. I ate a salad for lunch.

I'm feeling good.

This could all be gone tomorrow, excuse me while I enjoy this.

The Juggling Act

I have a 20 month old and a 1 month old. This is crazy. Crazy to me and crazy in general. It's quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm not known for my patience and I like things to go smoothly and perfectly. My world has been turned upside down. Not by my newborn. Not entirely by my toddler. But by the combination of the two.

I'm changing Collin's diaper while trying to keep Evan out of trouble. I'm making dinner while Evan is pulling on my clothes and Collin is fussing in his bouncy chair. I'm at the grocery store with my list in hand, trying to keep the toddler occupied long enough to complete the list and crossing my fingers that the baby stays asleep and doesn't wake up starving. I'm trying to get myself ready for the day while the baby starts crying to be fed and Evan is whining for breakfast. I'm trying to get us out the door to take Evan to school and Evan needs a diaper change then the baby needs one too and while I'm changing the baby, Evan goes again....some days I can't believe this is my life. Most days I can deal with this. But then there are those tough days when I open my eyes in the morning and feel exhausted just thinking about all the juggling I'll be doing that day.

Yes, this was my decision to have kids close together. I want them to be close, to have things in common, to be friends. I knew it was going to be tough. Daily I have to remind myself that this is just a stage....a season in life that will pass. It won't always be this hard. There will be a time when Evan can follow directions. There will be a time when I won't have 2 in diapers. I have to remind myself of this to keep my sanity and keep going.

I go to bed feeling really tired and feeling awful about how my house looks like I did nothing or how I didn't get to work out...again. I have to tell myself that it doesn't matter right now. It's not the time to worry about that stuff. All that matters is surviving these years with babies and toddlers in the best way we can and to create memories to hold on to. I have to remember that I'll think back to when my babies were babies and I want to remember me being with them, playing, paying attention, reading, singing, dancing...not cleaning and fussing over a basket of laundry while they play alone.

So, I have to juggle. I have to precisely plan our routine to make it work. For today, it works. I have to practice this juggling act everyday. Some days, I'm not so good at it and others....well, it's bumpy but I keep at it.

I'll have to re-read this when I have to toss a 40 hour work week into the juggling mix. Wish me luck.

Collin- 1 Month Old

My sweet little newborn is growing fast. I remember this feeling. It's quick and you try to hang on to each moment as tight as you can. This boy is so cuddly and so adorable, he makes my heart flutter. This time around I am going to do a monthly picture of baby boy on a different pattern to make it fun. It's not perfect (his socks don't match, woops) but it's fun!

My Dear Collin,

Our first month together has been nothing short of wonderful. I can't help but smile when I look at your sweet face. Dad says I must kiss you 100 times a day. He's wrong. I don't. It's more like 1000 times a day.

Your first 2 weeks all you did was sleep and sleep. I wanted you to wake up so we could play! You let me rest and get my strength back after delivery. You let me sleep at night. It was amazing. In your 3rd week you started to be awake a bit more, maybe a few hours a day but still sleeping great at night. In the 4th week you wanted to play at night.....

You are a calm little man. You love to be cuddled and carried in the moby or front carrier and you don't mind trips to the store and car rides. You like to be on your tummy my than your back and you love to be perched on my shoulder so you can look out at the sights. 

At your one month doctor's appointment you clocked in at almost 10 pounds! It's because you are a pro at breastfeeding. You've had it down pat since we came home from the hospital. The doc says you are super strong. You can lift and turn your head already!

Since about the 2nd week, I got the idea to do the side lying feeding position because I was tired. It worked out really well but now you sleep next to me each night. It wasn't my intention to co-sleep but that's where we are now. This means you don't like your bassinet anymore. It's sweet to wake up and see your little face next to me but it also means I don't sleep deeply because I'm paranoid about your breathing or positioning etc. I'll be moving you to your crib in the next few weeks...

Everyone says you look just like Dad. I see it in your eyes and nose. Your personality is also similar to Dad's. You are calm and adaptable. It's kind of amazing how well you sleep through Evan's ruckus and you can even sleep through a diaper change!

I love watching you grow and develop each day. You are awesome and I can't believe you're mine!

Love,

Mama

Collin's Birth Story

They say that every pregnancy/birth/child is different. It's true. Everything has been so different this 2nd time around. From pregnancy to the first few days together at home, everything has been different.

Thursday morning on February 23rd I went to the hospital to be checked out because I was having really bad belly pain. Not contractions, just sharp knife like pains all across my belly, continuously. They said it was ligament pain and I should take it easy and drink a ton of fluids. I was still only a 3...I had been a 3 for over a week. I went home. Bummed.

Contractions had been going on for a couple weeks, off and on. Thursday afternoon they started up and I tried to ignore them but they were strong...they were irregular though so I went about my day. As I was typing my last blog entry, I was in some pretty terrible pain. I started tensing up and becoming anxious with thoughts on having the baby at home or in the car on the way to the hospital...they say 2nd babies come quick! I was freaked out.

I went to bed and slept for about 2 hours. I woke up at 12:30 am and thought I should start timing the contractions just in case. All through the night I timed them. They started to be regular and by 4:00 am they were excruciating. I explained it to John like it's a horrible charlie horse in your cervix and just when you think it's going to let up, it gets sharper and worse. I was so tense and unfocused that I could feel my body freaking out with each contraction. By 5:00 I said lets go I can't go on like this.

I got up, dressed, brushed my teeth and got loaded into the car all while hoping the baby would wait till we got to the hospital. My emotions were out of control. Scared, anxious, guilty because I didn't get to kiss my Evan good bye, excited, worried, etc.

We arrived at the hospital at 5:30 am and each step hurt. I stood at the check in desk, keeled over and crying from the pain. I couldn't take it. They sent me back to triage since they need to monitor you and make sure you are in true labor before admitting you to the hospital. I changed and got into bed, got hooked up to all the monitors and got checked. I was still a 3 (maybe a tad bit more). The nurse explained they could not admit me until I could show cervical change (since my water hadn't broken) which would prove true labor. If I couldn't show anything, I would be sent home....I thought I was going to die hearing these words. Induction wasn't an option because I was only 37 weeks and 6 days. They don't induce until 39 weeks. If I was sent home, I would surely die.

They made me walk. It was cruel. I walked the halls and could barely get a couple steps in between the waves of pain. My poor husband walked with me and held me up when I couldn't go any further. I was a mess. Crying, holding my breath. Everything you're not supposed to do. After only a short time we went back to triage because I couldn't walk. The nurses saw my discomfort and heard my pleas for help. It wasn't enough proof. I laid in bed for another hour for monitoring and then they checked me. I was a 4! I begged that this be enough change to prove I was in labor. It was! Oh happy day!

The best words I've heard my whole life: "You're in labor, lets go have this baby."

I was moved to labor and delivery and my heart jumped with excitement as I was wheeled into that beautiful room where I would soon get to meet my baby. I'm sure John was relieved because I would soon be getting that lovely epidural and I would stop grabbing his hand and trying to rip it off his body.

I got into bed, got hooked up to the monitors and immediately requested the epidural. I admire the women who can live through the pain of child birth, I am not one of them though. The experience this time around was miles better than the first. The anesthesiologist placed the catheter quickly and painlessly and before I knew it, I was comfortable and focused. Collin's heart rate was a bit worrisome though. It had been ranging from normal to low for a couple hours. They gave me some oxygen and I had to lie on my side for awhile. I started picturing these awful scenarios like the umbilical cord being around my poor baby's neck. So each time his heart rate dipped, I felt light headed and sick.

They hadn't given me any pitocin to start with so things moved a bit slow for a few hours. I was stuck at a 6 for a while. Then around 11pm they gave me the pitocin and things moved right a long. By 12:45 I was ready to push. my epidural seemed to be wearing off or only numbing one side. It was painful and I wanted relief but my nurse helped me see that feeling the contraction so I could push was beneficial to me. So, I started to push and within 30 minutes we met our new baby boy! It was amazing. He was laid on my tummy and he showed us how powerful his lungs were with his cry. It was such a beautiful sight to see the baby that was growing in my tummy. I couldn't stop staring at him and stroking his full head of hair. There was no umbilical cord around his neck, he was healthy and strong.

Collin was 6 pounds 15 ounces and 20 inches long. After 13 hours of labor , Collin was officially born at 1:13 pm on 2/24/12. He has dark brown hair and very dark eyes. We all think he looks exactly like John in the cheeks, eyes and nose.

I had some 2nd degree tears but the doc said they were superficial and I would heal up quickly. Baby was healthy and strong and I was in love with our new addition. After Collin was cleaned up and his testing was complete, I got to snuggle with him and begin our breastfeeding journey. I was elated to feel his warm little body on mine and see his dark eyes looking up at me and this strange new world.

Shortly after reuniting, we were moved to the mama/baby room to recover. I was a bit nervous because John was going home to care for Evan which meant I was going to be alone with baby Collin. I felt confident in my ability to feed and diaper my newborn, I was just nervous about getting around and being so tired. Collin was awesome though. He cluster fed for about 3ish hours and by 1:30 am we were both sound asleep. He let me sleep until 4:30! I awoke feeling refreshed and excited to get to know my boy. I couldn't believe he let me sleep.

John returned late that morning and I dozed a bit. I was really surprised that they gave me the option to be discharged after 24 hours of delivery. So, Collin and I were back at home by 4:00!

It was such a different birth than my first. Even though this time around was considerably more painful, we survived and came out of it with a healthy and strong baby boy. It was amazing. I feel really lucky that everything went so well and that I got awesome nurses and a great doctor.

Now we are just settling into our new family of four. I am really enjoying this.