Defeated

Well, I must have jinxed myself with the whole "Breastfeeding Success" post. I have had to admit defeat this week....my heart breaks even thinking about it. See it's always been a struggle since going back to work. The stress, lack of time to pump at work and the drastically reduced number of nursing sessions have really REALLY been tough on our breastfeeding relationship. I fought and fought for it. I would stress every single day about being able to provide enough for Evan's feeding the next day and most days I would just barely sneak by and others I would be short and I would wake up early and pump again to try and achieve the needed amount. Since day one of going back to work I was always just keeping my nose above water. This week I have a cold and added stress at work and stress related to new daycare and my poor baby is going through his 6 month growth spurt....the odds are stacked against me and I've got nothing left. We made it pretty far with a mild amount supplementing during some tough times. I cried last night at this admission. The books say don't beat yourself up if you have to switch to formula. Well, I am. I am proud at how far we have come but I really wanted to make it a little further. This is just another thing that working gets in the way of. I don't look down on people that choose formula or that, like me, have to switch to formula. I just prefer breastfeeding for us because it is FREE and healthy for mom and baby. Also, once we stop my monthly visitor will return......cripes.

I will continue to feed Evan in the morning and at night and I might even try to pump once during the workday just so he gets a little bit of the liquid gold. Yet, I know that introducing more and more formula will wipe my supply out in no time. Since Evan gets bottles at daycare I think he is getting frustrated that nursing doesn't go as fast as the bottle. I knew our nursing relationship would come to an end sometime and I do think I would still be sad. I was just enjoying this phase so much. I am sure the next phase: solids, will be exciting as well. Ahhh these little steps to independence.

Rather than have this post be completely bah-humbug, I should say a few positive things. I am proud to have been able to provide my son with a great start to life through breastfeeding. I was able to help him grow and develop and I am grateful for our bond. I am proud that I continued to fight for it even when things got rough and even when people weren't supportive. I will still count this as a success!

Lets see some pics of Evan to make me smile!

Cloth Diapering and Breastfeeding Success

Breastfeeding: The road has been a bit rough on this journey and littered with speedbumps and even a few of nails. The beginning was especially difficult. The pain, engorgement and the fact that I always had to be the one to feed baby boy (=getting up every hour of the night) and he was tethered to me most of the early days was really hard on me. I wanted to give up on day 2 and each day after that for 2 months. Then. THEN we both just fell into sync and we just got it. Then....I went back to work when Evan was 3 months old and the road got really rocky. The stress, the lack of time to pump at work and the fact that we could only get in 3 nursing sessions a day threatened my supply. I could barely pump what Evan needed while I was away and there were many days I had to mix in formula and I had no supply in the freezer. After the 1st month my supply was quickly diminishing and Evan was super fussy on weekends probably due to not enough food in his belly. We had to supplement with formula a few times and doing this hurt my supply even more. I was sure our nursing days were numbered. THEN! I had some time off of work during the holidays and we nursed often, almost constantly some days and it restored my supply! Now I can keep up with Evan's intake and I even have a small freezer stash. My original goal was to breastfeed for 3 months. Then my goal was to go for 6 months. We are approaching 6 months and I feel really excited and proud that I fought through the tough start and achieved my goals. Now, I will go as long as we can until baby boy reaches his 1st birthday. I really cherish our nursing sessions. I feel awful that I can't be with him during the day and this helps us keep our bond strong. When his little chubby hand reaches up to touch my face it warms my heart and helps me get through those workdays.

Cloth Diapering: I LOVE cloth diapering. I received many a raised eyebrow and comments about how difficult it would be. It's not hard at all! My husband even likes it. We have been in cloth since the end of month 1 (waited until Evan's umbilical cord stump fell off). I really like not having to buy diapers (=saves money), that I am putting something more natural on my child and that I am not adding thousands of disposable diapers to our landfills. We don't have problems with diaper rash (he had a few little spots of it once or twice but nothing awful). They also do a really good job containing Evan's you know what. The few times that I put Evan in a disposable since month 1 (like when we are out and I have to dig to the bottom of the diaper bag for a disposable backup) he has either pooped/peed out of them (=major leakage) or he has developed a rash instantly! Aside from how good it is for my baby and the earth, it's just plain fun. The colors and patterns on the covers are fun and cute! We use indian prefolds with Thirsties duo wrap covers and flip covers. Tossing them in the washer takes like 30 seconds, it's not a lot of work at all. When Evan starts his adventures in solids (=more devastating # 2s) we will use a biodegradable liner that goes on top of the prefold that will make it easy to lift out the doo doo and put it into the toilet. My lovely sitter did cloth for me and E's new daycare is doing it, too! I am really happy that it all worked out. Now....I'm a little obsessed. I LOVE the flip diapering system now. Instead of the prefold it's a thick microfiber pad that tucks nicely into the cute flip covers (no pins/snappis) and it's a system that grows with the baby!

Well there you go. I am a proud parent beaming with confidence. Can you tell I am loving this parenting thing?

Whoa Nellie 1

So, I have brainstorming a bunch of new names for the blog and one popped into my head yesterday that I loved. It's silly but I love it. Ready?

This Is How We Do It

I think it encompasses everything in our lives so I can come to the blog and post about anything and you also won't visit the blog without thinking about Montell Jordan's mid-90s single, "This is How We Do It." I'm going to think about it a bit more but I think it's a good fit.

J and I started P90 this week....We watched a few clips of the P90X and it looked brutal so we are easing into it with P90. Tuesday was day 1 and I am SOOO sore today. I have accepted that I won't be able to commit to the prescribed workout schedule but I have promised myself to do what I can and make an honest effort. J has agreed to workout 3 times a week. I am really excited to have a part time partner because I am really competitive when it comes to working out. It also helps when I want to quit and think I can't go any further, J encourages me to keep going. For me, the purpose of this isn't to fit into a specific size or see a certain number on the scale. It's to feel that strength, to improve my general health and to spend time with my husband. Life gets so crazy and stressful sometimes that I need an outlet and I feel like J and I hardly see eachother because our days are packed with chores and preparations for the next day. I think this is a healthy way to spend a few moments together.

Evan is 5 Months!

Another month has snuck by so quickly. My baby boy is growing too fast!

Dear Evando (Dad made up this silly name! Sounds like E-Von-Doe),

Wow bud, you are 5 months old. You are getting so strong and coordinated it blows my mind. Here are a few things you have been up to this month:

- Rolling over. Alot. This makes diaper changes a little more challenging. You go from back to tummy and tummy to back. I change you on the floor now so that you can be entertained by toys while I handle your britches and if I turn my back for a minute you have rolled off the blanket and are turned around. You are not afraid to let me know you are upset when I won't let you roll because I have put your diaper on!

- Using a new cry. It's not a cry really but more like a shouting protest. So now you have this cry, a really really upset cry, a hungry cry and a tired cry.

- Immunizations....oh my word. You did an amazing job getting the actually shots. You were so brave and strong. But. Then when we got home and for DAYS after, you were not yourself. The fussiness was out of this world. It scared me. You also didn't move your legs for the whole next day and it scared Dad so he kept tickling your toes to make sure you could move them. It hurt you to have your diaper changed or to be held because your legs were so sore. I felt awful for you. It broke my heart.

- Sitting up supported. You can sit when I am near to make sure you don't plop over and it's fun to watch you reach for toys. I put you in the middle of the bed with pillows all around you and you are sooo cute sitting there like a big boy.

- Jumping in the doorway jumper. You LOVE dancing in your jumper. You hang out while I get ready or fold laundry and we sing and dance together. The dogs will try to pass through the doorway and you have bounced into them or blocked their way a time two.

- Hair pulling....Oh my. One day we were in a nursing session and you reached up and played with my hair and I thought, "how sweet." Then, you had a hand full of my and pulled it hard. Your strength was unexpected!

You have been up to so much this month. Your smile and laughter make my heart soar.

You experienced another big first this month: Christmas! You got so many cool toys from Grandpa J and Mom and Dad and some $$ from Grandpa M (that we'll use to get a highchair!). You actually helped open your gifts! You love your soft blocks and laugh and learn puppy. You made this holiday so much more enjoyable than it has ever been. EVER. Your awesome sitter made you your first ornament and got you a Santa hat. Cute! After opening gifts we went to Grandpa M's house for Christmas dinner, took pictures and came home to watch Toy Story 3 and visited with your Grandma A.

Your Daddy and I had a week off from work and got to hang out with you. Even though there were a few rocky moments (I blame the shots) I still had a great time. It's awesome to see your face all day long.

Now, check out some pics from December:

(Did not want to sit still)

(Really mad at me)

(Cute sleeping baby)

(Sharing toys with Mollie)

(Helping Dad open presents)

(Love the eyebrow raise)

(Dancing in the jumper)

Well, on to month 6! I'm so lucky to be your mama. Thanks for being such a cool kid.

Love,

Mama

P.S Sorry my photos are awful. It's hard to photograph and moving baby! Plus...I'm not the best camera operator anyway...

Plans/Goals

1. I want to rename this blog. Yes, I will definitely be doing lots of talking about baby boy but I also want this to be a place I can come to discuss lots of things like cooking/baking, daily happenings that might be unrelated to baby, projects and just life in general. I am SURE Mr. Cutie will still be the main focus though. I need this to be almost a journal of sorts.

2. In 2 years from right now, I want to be a full time mama. 2 years is WAY to long but I think it's the right amount of time to be able to plan and save and get things in order. I refuse to miss any more of my child's life. I have been thinking about this constantly. It is consuming me. Like I have said before, I do not want to look back and regret this time. My kid will only be little once and I will sacrifice what ever I need to in order to have this experience. I want to be a part of his memory as a young child. Yes, obviously I need to provide food and shelter for my dude and I will through careful planning. I asked my employer for a part time option. Anything. To leave and hour earlier. To have every other Friday off. Something that would allow me more time with baby. The answer was no. I enjoy my job but I won't choose it over my kid, my family. The ideal situation is to work part time maybe 30 hours a week but now that that is not an option....I might as well jump all in to my roll as a mama. Maybe it's selfish. Maybe it's a drastic move. But it's the only thing EVER that I have been sure about (besides marrying my husband!) I am a goal oriented person. I work better and more efficiently when I have a clear purpose. Hopefully setting this time frame will make being at work right now a little easier and motivate me to SAVE EVERY PENNY.

3. Get organized. I want to turn this house upside down and dump out all the crap. I am on a mission. My memory has gone out the window and the notes I write on stickies disappear and I can't find ANYTHING. It's time to dump the crap and get organized. To begin, I have started making a home management binder. I read about this concept on Life as Mom and my Dad told me about it months ago and I think it's so simple and brilliant.

So, here's to finding a new name for the blog, working towards my goal to be a full time mama and to getting organized. Wish me luck.