Defeated

Well, I must have jinxed myself with the whole "Breastfeeding Success" post. I have had to admit defeat this week....my heart breaks even thinking about it. See it's always been a struggle since going back to work. The stress, lack of time to pump at work and the drastically reduced number of nursing sessions have really REALLY been tough on our breastfeeding relationship. I fought and fought for it. I would stress every single day about being able to provide enough for Evan's feeding the next day and most days I would just barely sneak by and others I would be short and I would wake up early and pump again to try and achieve the needed amount. Since day one of going back to work I was always just keeping my nose above water. This week I have a cold and added stress at work and stress related to new daycare and my poor baby is going through his 6 month growth spurt....the odds are stacked against me and I've got nothing left. We made it pretty far with a mild amount supplementing during some tough times. I cried last night at this admission. The books say don't beat yourself up if you have to switch to formula. Well, I am. I am proud at how far we have come but I really wanted to make it a little further. This is just another thing that working gets in the way of. I don't look down on people that choose formula or that, like me, have to switch to formula. I just prefer breastfeeding for us because it is FREE and healthy for mom and baby. Also, once we stop my monthly visitor will return......cripes.

I will continue to feed Evan in the morning and at night and I might even try to pump once during the workday just so he gets a little bit of the liquid gold. Yet, I know that introducing more and more formula will wipe my supply out in no time. Since Evan gets bottles at daycare I think he is getting frustrated that nursing doesn't go as fast as the bottle. I knew our nursing relationship would come to an end sometime and I do think I would still be sad. I was just enjoying this phase so much. I am sure the next phase: solids, will be exciting as well. Ahhh these little steps to independence.

Rather than have this post be completely bah-humbug, I should say a few positive things. I am proud to have been able to provide my son with a great start to life through breastfeeding. I was able to help him grow and develop and I am grateful for our bond. I am proud that I continued to fight for it even when things got rough and even when people weren't supportive. I will still count this as a success!

Lets see some pics of Evan to make me smile!