Defeated

Well, I must have jinxed myself with the whole "Breastfeeding Success" post. I have had to admit defeat this week....my heart breaks even thinking about it. See it's always been a struggle since going back to work. The stress, lack of time to pump at work and the drastically reduced number of nursing sessions have really REALLY been tough on our breastfeeding relationship. I fought and fought for it. I would stress every single day about being able to provide enough for Evan's feeding the next day and most days I would just barely sneak by and others I would be short and I would wake up early and pump again to try and achieve the needed amount. Since day one of going back to work I was always just keeping my nose above water. This week I have a cold and added stress at work and stress related to new daycare and my poor baby is going through his 6 month growth spurt....the odds are stacked against me and I've got nothing left. We made it pretty far with a mild amount supplementing during some tough times. I cried last night at this admission. The books say don't beat yourself up if you have to switch to formula. Well, I am. I am proud at how far we have come but I really wanted to make it a little further. This is just another thing that working gets in the way of. I don't look down on people that choose formula or that, like me, have to switch to formula. I just prefer breastfeeding for us because it is FREE and healthy for mom and baby. Also, once we stop my monthly visitor will return......cripes.

I will continue to feed Evan in the morning and at night and I might even try to pump once during the workday just so he gets a little bit of the liquid gold. Yet, I know that introducing more and more formula will wipe my supply out in no time. Since Evan gets bottles at daycare I think he is getting frustrated that nursing doesn't go as fast as the bottle. I knew our nursing relationship would come to an end sometime and I do think I would still be sad. I was just enjoying this phase so much. I am sure the next phase: solids, will be exciting as well. Ahhh these little steps to independence.

Rather than have this post be completely bah-humbug, I should say a few positive things. I am proud to have been able to provide my son with a great start to life through breastfeeding. I was able to help him grow and develop and I am grateful for our bond. I am proud that I continued to fight for it even when things got rough and even when people weren't supportive. I will still count this as a success!

Lets see some pics of Evan to make me smile!

Cloth Diapering and Breastfeeding Success

Breastfeeding: The road has been a bit rough on this journey and littered with speedbumps and even a few of nails. The beginning was especially difficult. The pain, engorgement and the fact that I always had to be the one to feed baby boy (=getting up every hour of the night) and he was tethered to me most of the early days was really hard on me. I wanted to give up on day 2 and each day after that for 2 months. Then. THEN we both just fell into sync and we just got it. Then....I went back to work when Evan was 3 months old and the road got really rocky. The stress, the lack of time to pump at work and the fact that we could only get in 3 nursing sessions a day threatened my supply. I could barely pump what Evan needed while I was away and there were many days I had to mix in formula and I had no supply in the freezer. After the 1st month my supply was quickly diminishing and Evan was super fussy on weekends probably due to not enough food in his belly. We had to supplement with formula a few times and doing this hurt my supply even more. I was sure our nursing days were numbered. THEN! I had some time off of work during the holidays and we nursed often, almost constantly some days and it restored my supply! Now I can keep up with Evan's intake and I even have a small freezer stash. My original goal was to breastfeed for 3 months. Then my goal was to go for 6 months. We are approaching 6 months and I feel really excited and proud that I fought through the tough start and achieved my goals. Now, I will go as long as we can until baby boy reaches his 1st birthday. I really cherish our nursing sessions. I feel awful that I can't be with him during the day and this helps us keep our bond strong. When his little chubby hand reaches up to touch my face it warms my heart and helps me get through those workdays.

Cloth Diapering: I LOVE cloth diapering. I received many a raised eyebrow and comments about how difficult it would be. It's not hard at all! My husband even likes it. We have been in cloth since the end of month 1 (waited until Evan's umbilical cord stump fell off). I really like not having to buy diapers (=saves money), that I am putting something more natural on my child and that I am not adding thousands of disposable diapers to our landfills. We don't have problems with diaper rash (he had a few little spots of it once or twice but nothing awful). They also do a really good job containing Evan's you know what. The few times that I put Evan in a disposable since month 1 (like when we are out and I have to dig to the bottom of the diaper bag for a disposable backup) he has either pooped/peed out of them (=major leakage) or he has developed a rash instantly! Aside from how good it is for my baby and the earth, it's just plain fun. The colors and patterns on the covers are fun and cute! We use indian prefolds with Thirsties duo wrap covers and flip covers. Tossing them in the washer takes like 30 seconds, it's not a lot of work at all. When Evan starts his adventures in solids (=more devastating # 2s) we will use a biodegradable liner that goes on top of the prefold that will make it easy to lift out the doo doo and put it into the toilet. My lovely sitter did cloth for me and E's new daycare is doing it, too! I am really happy that it all worked out. Now....I'm a little obsessed. I LOVE the flip diapering system now. Instead of the prefold it's a thick microfiber pad that tucks nicely into the cute flip covers (no pins/snappis) and it's a system that grows with the baby!

Well there you go. I am a proud parent beaming with confidence. Can you tell I am loving this parenting thing?

My Life As a Mama- The Early Weeks

I'm excited to finally write this post. I actually have some energy and our little one went to sleep at 9:30 which means I get some free time!

The first few days home from the hospital were an emotional roller coaster for me. I admit I had the baby blues. I was so happy to have Evan home with us to begin settling into our new life as a family and our new roles. I would cry with tears of happiness just staring at my little guy. Then the next minute I would start sobbing because I suddenly felt like I wasn't capable of being responsible for another person or that I couldn't handle the immense pressure of this new responsibility. I felt overwhelmed. I would cry a couple times a day and sometimes they were gut wrenching sobs that I couldn't control. It was obvious that I was having trouble settling into my new role as Evan's mama. Luckily John was able to take 2 weeks off from work to help.

Feeding- I am breastfeeding E so there is that added dependency that I had trouble with as well. In the early weeks, E wanted to nurse almost constantly. Let me tell you, the books, magazine articles and other breastfeeding mom's made it sound so simple to do....it is NOT that easy. It was SO painful the first 2 weeks that I thought I couldn't make it. I would scream because my nipples were so sensitive. At first we had a bad latch and that caused one nipple to be cracked and bruised. Each time I had to nurse I would cry from the pain. This was really important for me to do and felt like I was failing. I wanted to provide Evan with the best possible start to life that I could. After all the research I did, I knew this was the healthiest thing to feed him and I knew I wanted that special bond that forms through breastfeeding. So, I forged on. Each time I nursed I would say, "Nope I can't do this anymore, that's it, I'm done." One side hurt so badly I avoided nursing on it and ended getting engorged which brought with it a fever, headache and aches all over, like the flu. The only way to fix was to nurse on that side. It was excruciating. Yet, I kept going, with the support of my mom and John. E and I eventually got the hang of it, I toughened up and it didn't hurt as bad.

Sleep- I'm sorry, what does that mean? Is that english? Now, I knew I wouldn't be getting much sleep, but what I didn't know was what that would do to me. John and I both felt like zombies. We both had dark circles around our eyes and just looked run down. The sleep deprivation made me have even worse mood swings. It made me feel dizzy, helpless and hopeless. I had a hard time keeping track of the days. Evan would sleep during the day off and on and would scream, and I do mean scream, ALL night long. If he did sleep, it was for a short time and would only be on our chests, no where else. Eventually he slept in his bouncy chair. He would not and will not have anything to do with his bassinet. Because John took 2 weeks off from work, we were handling the situation together which, I think, helped me hang on to the last shred of my sanity. BUT when John went back to work it was just me dealing with it and it made me crazy. We have come a long way now. We have a bed time routine, supplement with formula twice at night (so he sleeps for a few hours straight rather than one hour), and mom and dad have their sanity back. He is also sleeping in his crib! People told me to sleep when Evan sleeps.

This is the face we saw most during those "dark days."

Sadly, I was wondering when I was going to start enjoying the experience. I felt awful feeling that way but it was SOOO hard for me those first few weeks (I call them the "dark days"). I am proud and relieved to report that we have moved beyond the "dark days" and we are enjoying being a family and watching our baby grow and change. He gives me smiles that melt my heart and they help to erase the terrible time I had the first month. I can't stop staring at him!

This isn't a smile, but he's not crying and I love that.